What The Hell Needs Tweaking?

There has been something I've been thinking about lately.

Actually, I've been thinking about it a lot.

What do I actually need to change about myself?

And maybe more importantly...

What things don't need to change because they're just who I am?

Because I've reached a point where I think I'm pretty damn happy with who I am.

I think I'm an amazing person.

There.

I said it.

I'm not perfect.

Not even close.

But I'm pretty damn amazing.

And maybe what I need isn't a complete personality overhaul.

Maybe I just need some tweaking.

A few adjustments.

Some better decisions.

And possibly a user manual.

Because there are definitely things about me that could use some work.

For example...

I care too much.

And I don't necessarily mean that in the good way.

I genuinely love people.

I love getting to know people.

I love hearing their stories.

I love learning what makes someone tick.

I love becoming part of someone's life and watching their story unfold.

But sometimes I forget something really important.

Their story isn't my entire story.

I can become so invested in what's happening with someone else that I forget to check in with myself.

Someone has a problem?

I'm there.

Someone needs help?

I'll figure it out.

Someone is going through something?

I'm emotionally sitting beside them with snacks and a full research team.

And sometimes I need to stop and ask:

Okay, but what about me?

Because this isn't a Lifetime movie.

I'm not the supporting character whose entire purpose is to help everyone else get their happy ending.

I have my own life.

My own problems.

My own goals.

My own damn story.

And I need to remember that.

I can care about people without taking on everything they're going through.

I can listen without trying to fix everything.

I can help without giving more than I actually have to give.

And I can love people without completely losing myself in their lives.

That's something I need to work on.

Not because caring is bad.

But because I need to care about myself, too.

Then there's money.

Oh, money.

Apparently, just winging it isn't a financial strategy.

Who knew?

I've spent a lot of time basically saying:

I'll figure it out.

And sometimes I do.

But let's be honest...

That hasn't exactly been working out spectacularly for me.

So I need to take control of my finances.

I need to know where my money is going.

I need to make a plan.

I need to stop hoping that somehow everything will magically work itself out.

Because apparently money does not appreciate being ignored.

Who knew?

I also need to get myself out of the house more.

This one might be harder than it sounds.

I need to actually participate in life.

I need to find things I enjoy.

I need to become part of things.

Maybe volunteer.

Maybe find something I care about and donate some of my time to it.

Maybe meet people.

Maybe try something new.

Maybe just say yes to things instead of automatically finding twelve reasons why I shouldn't go.

And apparently...

According to my daughter...

I need hobbies.

She has made this very clear.

Multiple times.

So fine.

I'll get a hobby.

I'm going to learn to knit.

I've already bought everything.

The needles.

The yarn.

The pattern.

Everything.

There is just one tiny problem.

I've been trying to knit the same scarf for two years.

At this point, I'm not sure it's a scarf anymore.

It's a long-term relationship.

And I'm not sure either one of us knows where it's going.

But maybe that's okay.

Because I'm starting to realize that not everything about me needs to be fixed.

Some things are just who I am.

I'm a person who cares deeply.

I'm a person who feels things.

I'm a person who gets attached to people and their stories.

I'm a person who wants to help.

I'm a person who wants people to know that they matter.

Those aren't necessarily things I need to change.

I just need to learn how to do them without abandoning myself in the process.

That's the part I'm still figuring out.

How do I keep the parts of myself that I actually like...

while changing the parts that aren't working so well?

How do I care without carrying?

How do I help without hurting myself?

How do I love people without making their problems my problems?

How do I take care of myself without feeling selfish?

And how do I build a life that isn't just about getting through the day?

I don't have all those answers yet.

But I think I'm finally asking the right questions.

Maybe getting older isn't about becoming a completely different person.

Maybe it's about getting to know yourself well enough to figure out what stays...

what goes...

and what just needs a little tweaking.

And honestly?

Some things probably need to go.

Like all those mysterious lids with no containers.

Seriously.

Where did the containers go?

Why do I still have the lids?

Who is running a black-market container operation in my kitchen?

I don't know.

But apparently I have been holding onto them just in case the containers come back.

They aren't coming back, Cyndee.

Let them go.

Maybe that's what I'm talking about when I say I need to figure out what stays and what goes.

Not everything needs to come with me into the next chapter.

Some things have served their purpose.

Some things are just taking up space.

Some things need to be released.

And some things...

like the lids...

need to be thrown away even though I am absolutely convinced that the matching container will magically appear tomorrow.

I'm not trying to become someone else.

I'm trying to become more me.

Because here's the thing...

I am perfectly imperfect.

And I actually like that about myself.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to become some polished, perfect version of a person who doesn't exist.

I want to be me.

The woman who cares too much sometimes.

The woman who worries.

The woman who makes mistakes.

The woman who sometimes has absolutely no idea what she's doing.

The woman who is still figuring things out at 52.

The woman who buys everything needed to learn how to knit and then takes two years to make one scarf.

Yep.

That woman.

I just want to be a better version of her.

A little more responsible.

A little more social.

A little better with money.

A little better at boundaries.

A little more willing to get out there and actually live.

But still imperfect.

Still learning.

Still making mistakes.

Still laughing at myself.

Still caring.

Still me.

Because maybe the goal isn't to fix everything that's imperfect about us.

Maybe it's to figure out which imperfections are actually part of what makes us who we are...

and which ones are just getting in our own way.

I'm learning that taking care of myself isn't selfish.

I'm learning that being a good person doesn't mean I have to constantly empty myself out for everyone else.

I can still be me.

I just need to make sure I'm part of my own life, too.

Because this is my story.

And for once...

I'm going to make sure I'm actually in it.

Perfectly imperfect.

Still figuring it out.

Still becoming.

Still me.

Less saving everyone else.
More taking care of Cyndee.

Less stuff. Less bullshit. More life.

And maybe...

more hobbies.

We'll see how that knitting thing goes.